InformationWeek

Desktop Agenda: You Make A Grown Man Cry

What to do for an encore? Meet the 'UniHappy' interface of Bob 96.

By Stephen Manes
Issue column appeared: Sept. 18, 1995

What's the line from the Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up" that a certain software company recently left out of its ads? I'm not talking about "You make a grown man cry." I'm not talking about "I can't compete with the riders in the other heats." I'm talking about the line that goes "You make a dead man," uh, something sort of like "explode with satisfaction." Which, come to think of it, is just about what a recent, long-delayed revision of a certai n operating system would have to do to justify its hype.

To indulge in analysis of that hype would play right into the hands of the hypemeisters. What many of us wonder now is what a certain giant software company could possibly do for an encore.

Well, wonder no more. I have in my hand the top-secret plan for the next major rollout. Sensing that customers are unlikely to take kindly to a 1996 major upgrade of a certain desktop operating system, the corporate strategy is diversionary: Introducing Bob 96!

Diana Banana
In response to complaints that a certain operating system is not as easy to learn or use as the ads would have you believe, Bob 96 gives it an all-new, second-generation "social interface." And in response to complaints that the original Bob's animal characters were too cute and condescending, Bob 96 adds members of the vegetable and mineral kingdom. Diana Banana will surely add appeal (the reviewer's guide notes), and Hudson Rock (it says here) will be stone cool. "No one," says a company spokesman, "has ever complained about condescension from a carrot."

After extensive usability studies, Bob 96 will totally eliminate all those confusing icons associated with programs, folders, and documents. Now, there's only one icon: the Bob "UniHappy" face. You simply use its mnemonic facial expressions to distinguish among a folder ("F" for frown), document ("D" for dopey look), or program ("E" for elation}.

With Bob 96, the company also will address criticism that its new applications are often big and slow. Bobword, Bobcalc, and Bobfinance offer just four commands each, and have a limit of 500 characters (but 70 fonts) per document. Yet with all that functionality, Bob itself will occupy a mere 16 Mbytes of RAM, thanks to a 64-bit design that introduces an advanced "thwacking" translation layer.

Recycle To Redmond
Many users of a certain operating system have wondered where files go when they are emptied from the "Recycle Bin." Bob turns on an unimplement ed feature that literally recycles every deleted file by transmitting it to Redmond, Wash. If you need the file later, you can get it back for a fee that is expected to be "nominal."

The Justice Department is expected to examine this arrangement. A company spokeswoman is likely to insist it can only increase competition in the backup market, but hawkeyed observers will notice the clause in the shrink-wrapped license explicitly states that any such file becomes the company's exclusive property. The spokeswoman will respond that anyone can easily decline the feature by answering "no" to a mere 68 successive screen prompts, except for three that must be answered "maybe."

Media plans are picking up steam. This time, you will definitely hear the "dead man" line, since the campaign will be built around the "resurrected" figures of such former rock stars as Elvis Presley, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson, and Madonna. A tie-in to the Dole presidential campaign is likely.

Oh, and did I mention the Beatles' reunion of George, Paul, Ringo--and Bill?

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