billion here, a billion there: A couple of weeks ago, after Microsoft coughed up some pocket change for a piece of cable giant Comcast, media historian Neal Gabler suggested in The New York Times that the Raptor of Redmond will inevitably become an entertainment conglomerate like Disney or Time Warner, developing everything from movies to theme parks.
Given the way Microsoft's software traditionally runs, I don't expect to see Speed 3 from Microsoft Pictures anytime soon. But I admit to being astonished when I stumbled across Microsoftland, a secret facility under development near the company's Redmond, Wash., headquarters.
An elaborate password system initially made security seem airtight. But I quickly strolled right in through one of several gaping holes in a wall of windows. The company obviously expected to open the place in time for the summer vacation season, but the official inauguration now appears to have been delayed indefin
itely.
"They sure have a ways to go when it comes to sanitation," one beta-guester pointed out. "Look at this! Jolt Cola cans and half-eaten pizzas all over the place!" But when we pointed it out to a fellow dressed as the Office 97 paper clip, he shrugged and called it "atmosphere."
Then we noticed all the bugs swarming over the crusts. I tried to show them to a beetle-like character with a bad haircut and dirty glasses, but he pushed me aside, saying, "Don't you know `issues' when you see them?" as he pointed to a badge on his floppy antennae that read "Microsoft Billy Issue." His job, apparently, was walking up to kids and boasting, "I'm your visionary friend."
"`Visionary'?" said a lawyer I'd overhead muttering the words `look and feel': "`Original?' I mean, they've got Microsoft Maine Street, Microsoft Fantasticland, Microsoft Dayaftertomorrowland, and what is it supposed to be? Oh, yeah-Microsoft Rapunzel's castle!"
"Right, and that ride, `It's a Microsoft World After All,' with happy do
lls of all nations running their software," another beta-guester chimed in. "Did you notice on the world globe how Java was smaller and a totally different shape than it should have been?"
The focal point of the place seemed to be an elaborate indoor roller coaster called WinCE Mountain. But a fellow lurching sickly out of the place warned me away. "I was lucky to survive the third crash of the day," he said. "Apparently, riders who don't conform precisely to the original test dummies give the thing fits." That explained the signs that read: "If you are taller or shorter than Billy, you may be incompatible with this ride."
Hand It Over
As I ambled up to the longest line in the park, a samaritan intervened. "Forget it," he said. "This is for customer service. It takes 30 minutes to get up front, and when you try to ex- plain your problem, they tell you to call the company that sold you your ticket-unless you want to hand over your credit card for a quick response."
At one of the restau
rants, a repeat beta-guester was sounding off: "You order the Microsoft Coke and the Microsoft Burger, and they ask you if you want Microsoft Fries with that. When we got home, my kid kept talking about having to go to the Microsoft Bathroom. I finally had to threaten him with a Microsoft Spanking."
A "guest relations technician" overheard and reprimanded him."Hey, nobody says you have to come here. You don't like it, go to Warpland," he snorted. "If you can find it."
That's when a sad, gray, happy-face with legs ambled by. It was nice to see that Microsoft Bob had found a job at last.
Stephen Manes has been writing about PCs and their frustrated users for 15 years. He sometimes answers mail sent to him at
smanes@compuserve.com
.
Back to Columnists
Send Us Your Feedback
Top of the Page
billion here, a billion there: A couple of weeks ago, after Microsoft coughed up some pocket change for a piece of cable giant Comcast, media historian Neal Gabler suggested in The New York Times that the Raptor of Redmond will inevitably become an entertainment conglomerate like Disney or Time Warner, developing everything from movies to theme parks.
