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April 12, 1999

Secret CIO:
Culture, Culture, Everywhere

The only way to change corporate culture is to alter the way we treat employees, not to hire a culture consultant

By Herbert W. Lovelace

t's no secret that I'm not a big fan of Stephanie Stone, our VP of human resources. To me, Stephanie embodies a core of self-importance wrapped in a layer of manipulation, coated with a hull of smarmy platitudes. Other than that, she's OK, if you like obnoxious people.

The paradox is that she truly cares about doing a good job and her highest priority--other than advancing her own best interests--is the welfare of our employees.

Stephanie's latest crusade is an identification of our current corporate culture and the installation of a new one that fits the image that Philip T. Whitestone, our president and CEO, desires. This quixotic venture had its start at a meeting where those of us who report directly to Phil discussed, at his urging, how we might better motivate everyone to achieve the goals of the corporation and propel us successfully into the fast-approaching 21st century.

Since my concern about the fast-approaching 21st century is primarily about the impact that dates ending with two zeros might have on our computer systems, I can be forgiven, I hope, for being less than enthusiastic about his latest foray into forging on the anvil of corporate good-speak the minds of our workers. In any case, it was decided that we needed to institutionalize a corporate culture conducive to achieving our own version of Chairman Mao's Great Leap Forward.

Throwing caution to the wind, I pointed out that corporate cultures are a reflection of the values and actions of the corporation, and that the only way to change ours is to change the way we treat our employees in areas such as delegating, decision-making, and dealing with customers, suppliers, and each other. As I expected,

I was roundly ignored by the majority--so I reverted to brooding about how to convince the auditors that more meetings with our Y2K staff actually decreases, rather than increases, the speed at which we test and remediate--the physics of it being that the time we spend with them is time not spent on the project. But, hey, holding meetings is our real culture.

It wasn't too long after Phil's pronouncement about the new century that Stephanie hired Suzanne, whom I gather is an acquaintance of long standing, as our culture consultant. Suzanne's first task in growing her billable hours was to interview all of us who have the title of VP to reaffirm exactly what we perceived as the cultural state and needs of the corporation. Part of me was fascinated by the idea that we were paying her heavy-duty dollars to collect our opinions, summarize them, and play it all back to Phil and us at some power meeting. It seemed to me that it would make more sense for him to spring for a really good lunch with excellent wines (perhaps the 1994 Caymus Cabernet for the red and the 1997 Beringer Chardonnay for the white), and after we were all sufficiently lubricated, hear for himself what we thought. All in all, it would be cheaper, take less time, and be more fun.

Being interviewed by Suzanne was a fascinating experience. She must be a tremendous swimmer; she can talk for immense periods of time without taking a breath. Three-quarters of our interview was composed of me listening to her opinions. Buzzwords were strung together with fervor in combinations I still don't understand.

Soon her final report will be issued and Phil will call a meeting to discuss what actions we should take. Our task, as usual, will be to search for clues to decipher what he has previously decided with Stephanie's input. Then we will have the opportunity to build plans to implement the new culture--no doubt with Stephanie's and Suzanne's guidance.

I can hardly wait.

Herbert W. Lovelace is the CIO at a multibillion-dollar international company. Herb practices his day job under an alias and has changed the names of colleagues to protect the guilty. Send him E-mail at lovelace@home.com. He'll provide real answers--and whimsical comments--to your questions on InformationWeek Online at www.informationweek.com.