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AuthorITies: Matter Of Fact

August 29, 2000

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Your Personal Disclaimer

By Rusty Weston

Before we get too worked up about what's going on in cyberspace, let's pause to clarify the legal terms and conditions under which you, or anyone who passes by your cubicle, may use this column. It's being published by, or on behalf of, an unlicensed columnist. You may read it one-time only. If you received this column in error, please delete it from your magazine and/or Web site or the Internet itself. Any action or reliance upon this information that's either real, imagined, or implied, by persons or entities other than the intended reader--that means you--is expressly prohibited.

Furthermore, this column may contain information that is proprietary, privileged, confidential, original, or otherwise legally exempt from First Amendment laws. But we doubt it. Proceed at your own risk. This column is not an offer or a solicitation to anyone younger than age 18.

Perhaps you're fluent in legalese. I'm still learning it the hard way. But I'm not one of those attorney bashers like Bill Gates, Shakespeare, and George Bush. Willie the Shake created a character named Dick in King Henry VI, surely an alter ego, who proposed killing all lawyers. Gates is known to enjoy a good legal joke--though, of course, his father is a famous Seattle attorney. Bush and his former sidekick, Dan Quayle, mainly wanted to complain about lawyers for political purposes, much the way Sen. Joseph Lieberman likes to kick around Hollywood (ho hum). My legal remedy for the problem of too much legalese is quite simply to turn everyone into lawyers. That way we simply won't notice them.

True, life will become a tad more tedious. And nothing will get done. But we'll all be indemnified, which is all anyone can really ask for in this life. Right?

Here's how we protect ourselves and obviate the need for lawyers. First thing we do, rather than killing them, let's eliminate revision mode in Microsoft Word. (That strips away their power.) Second, let's instigate all-purpose personal disclaimers. I, for one, will volunteer to sign a contract obligating me to use such language in my daily transactions with co-workers (including my company's legal department), readers, and vendors (and even my family and friends). Here's how a personal disclaimer can protect you from just about anything:

A discussion with the boss. "Rusty, have you finished your department budget yet?," she asks kindly. "Yes," I reply gingerly. "However, I think you should realize that I was under medically-prescribed care at the time those numbers were cooked up. Also, I'm unable to operate any heavy equipment today, including but not limited to, a mouse, a cell phone, or a Handspring Visor."

A discussion with a vendor. "Rusty, have you decided whether to move ahead with our proposal for an auto-privacy tracer to cookie the movements of every reader who visits Informationweek.com?" he asks politely. "No," I say, "not only has my legal department rejected your proposal on the grounds that it could cost us our entire business plus millions of dollars in lawsuits, I'm already engaged in several lawsuits and am required to disclose to you that I'm a card-carrying member of the Electronic Privacy Counsel and have reported your scheme to the FBI, which wants to license it."

A discussion with a friend. "Are you coming to the play Saturday night?" a friend asks. "No, thanks, I have to see my lawyer," I reply in earnest. "But why," she replies, "it's a Saturday?" And I reason, drawing a circle, "Actually, we're all lawyers now. And we only see other lawyers."

A discussion with you, the reader. "The contents of this column may contain material that some find offensive, though it all depends on your perspective. The author of this column accepts no responsibility for his views or actions or your views or actions. In the event that you may be offended by the contents of this disclaimer, management makes no warranties or implied representations as to the authenticity of the author's opinion or your own opinion. In other words, to each his own."

Rusty Weston is editor of informationweek.com and InformationWeek Research. He is not now, nor has he ever been, a lawyer.

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