For all the internal controls and automated policy enforcement that you've started layering atop your systems, you've no doubt reached the conclusion that it will never be enough to protect the company's confidential information, and you're probably right. These times call for a big stick. Without rules with teeth, how can you be expected to integrate big brother into the IT fabric, right? And there's just too much that goes on outside the scope of technology. So with tongue planted only half-way in cheek, here are some suggestions. Use them as guidelines and add your own.

New Fire-able Offences:

• Walking past a fax machine without first averting one's eyes


• Leaving the office without first activating the self-detonating device on your Blackberry


• Entering a washroom before donning approved soundproof headphones


• Waving at the security cameras over the men's urinals


• Being discovered with a filing cabinet outside the corporate underground bunker


• Allowing note taking during a Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day


• Concealing any manual writing implement on your person.


• Connecting your laptop to the same home network that your wife uses to play online poker


• Catching a ride home with the armed courier transporting the company's backup tapes


• Remembering to update the corporate Web site


• Suggesting a paper recycling program


• Activating a CD/ROM or any other personal storage device without direct supervision of a corporate legal team member.
  
• Owning a briefcase (it's amazing how many of these incidents start with a briefcase)

All these are grounds for termination, or a least a good beating for first-time offenders. Which brings up a good point: you can't be expected to enforce such policies without prior experience in the CIA or on The Jerry Springer Show. So it's time for a new C-level position: the CCO (Chief Corrections Officer). Don't worry about the brown polyester business suit; the night stick and handcuffs are the real accoutrements for the job. Best to find one with a visible scar or a missing eye.

On the off chance that you've already implemented one or more of these rules, I was only kidding.