You don't have to look very hard to find a lot of inadvertent humor in the news--you know, the "that's so funny, it hurts" kind of stuff. In fact, I've read quite a few news articles and blogs that fall into that head-shaking category, so here's my roundup of stories about things that probably won't surprise you, but maybe should.
Where is the love Microsoft just promised its competitors? OK, so it was more of a commitment to treat them fairly, but all and all long overdue. I know, you're thinking, hmm, maybe the EU and its staggering fine had an impact after all. Let's hope you weren't holding your breath over that one. Because as noted by Alice LaPlante in her sharply written recent blog, barely two weeks have gone by since Microsoft published 12 tenets designed to support more "ethical competition," and yet the company is already being called on the carpet for making a mockery of its pledge. Never mind the competitors--at the end of the day, this could cost the users. Perhaps you really can't teach an old dog new tricks.
I had to laugh when I readJohn Soat's recent top 10 tech list. Especially after I read No. 10: "Government regulation is not a friend to technology. This one's a bit obvious, but it bears keeping in mind. If you think Sarbanes-Oxley is a headache, wait until the privacy laws start rolling out of Washington. Soon, really soon." John is right, of course, but when it happens (and there's no sign it will be anytime soon, despite plenty of ammo to drive it), whose fault will it be? It's not like Washington is dying to enact privacy legislation--it clearly isn't. So if and when it happens, the industries and government agencies that collect our data molecules and atoms will have no one to blame but their sloppy selves.
Hang up and drive! A recent study finds cell phone-using drivers need to sober up. Tests conducted by the study found that cell phone users drive as badly as drunken drivers. And much like drunken drivers, they thought they were doing a fine job driving, even when they clearly weren't. The study also found no difference in whether the cell phone users were using headsets. Now, I ask you, is anyone surprised by these results? I know whenever I see someone responding slowly to traffic patterns, they're usually talking on a cell phone.
Qualifications? The Homeland Security Department may routinely flunk government security audits, but it didn't feel the need to insist on any stinking technical qualifications for the man who has been serving as the acting director of its National Cyber Security Division for the past 21 months. A widely picked up AP story headlined "Deal For Cybersecurity Chief Questioned" leaves you wondering how the government can be paying $577,000 over a two-year period to an attorney who has no formal technical background in computer security. By comparison, according to AP, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff earns just $175,000 a year.
As it turns out, this is attorney Donald Purdy Jr.'s second national security posting. He was previously a White House cybersecurity adviser, which is interesting considering he's not a security expert. He's actually an employee of Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, which worked out a two-year loan deal to the government, technically in exchange for agreeing to pick up his annual salary. But the school has gotten an even bigger payoff--literally. So far this year, the National Cyber Security Division has paid out $19 million--or according to AP, a fifth of its budget--in contract work to the school.
Purdy the lawyer says he doesn't involve himself in discussions about business dealings between the department he's running and the school that technically employs him. Some members of Congress are objecting on multiple levels. Meanwhile, Chertoff last year created a position of DHS assistant secretary over cybersecurity, but has yet to fill the post. Perhaps he's holding out for another attorney.
If you can't entice customers to upgrade, punish them! At least that seems to be the theory behind a decision at Cingular to raise prices for users of older phones. Cingular wants to phase out cell phones based on older TDMA and analog technology and move to GSMC (Global System of Mobile Communications), said to be the world's most popular wireless standard. It's got quarterly numbers to reach and, by gosh, you're either with them or against them. So you won't upgrade, eh? Why, you analoged, wire-wrapped dinosaur of a technophobe. As of September, resisters to upgrading their Cingular phones will henceforth be slapped with a $5-a-month fine. Multiple that by about 8% of Cingular's installed base--or the targeted 4.7 million users--and that's an additional $23.5 million in revenue a year. Annualized, that's $282 million. Not too shabby. I wonder how many customers will be asking Cingular's customer service, "Can you hear me now?"
PayPal reaches out to developers. Do you see where the electronic payment service has a new community site designed to give developers a place to share code, discuss integration projects, chat with PayPal technicians, get RSS feeds for PayPal system status, and access other resources? Sweet. Ah, but if only PayPal were on such friendly terms with its customers. Ever try to get a question answered from PayPal? Forget about it.
And if your subscribers won't watch the ads your service is designed to help them avoid, by all means help advertisers assess and counter the damage! It sounds like the idea here is to play both sides off against each other in a bid to make more money and stay relevant. TiVo says its new Audience Research and Measurement division will be monitoring a random sample of 20,000 subscribers to gather data about ad-skipping behavior, which will be used to help advertisers reach ad-zapping consumers like you. I suspect the universal response to this among TiVo subscribers (of which I'm not one) will be: "No thank you. We not only don't want to watch your stupid ads, but we certainly don't want to help TiVo help the advertisers we're trying to avoid by using TiVo figure out how to reach us anyway!"
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