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3/31/2010
05:26 PM
Fritz Nelson
Fritz Nelson
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Full Nelson: iPad Speaks on Verizon, Ship Date, Sandra Bullock

Apple's iPad, due April 3 spoke with Full Nelson a couple weeks ago, and granted one last interview before it got set to ship.

For whatever reason, the iPad keeps calling me wanting to talk, this week especially given that the ship date is this Saturday, April 3. I wondered whether there was significance to the date, the day before Easter Sunday ("on the seventh day, he rested"), or commemorating the date the U.S. courts ruled against Microsoft (2000), or Martin Luther King's "I've Been to the Mountaintop" speech (1968), or the date of the very first cell phone call (1973), or, heck, the arrest of the Unabomber (1996). So I began our conversation there. Here are some excerpts:

Because April 3 is Wayne Newton's birthday. How should I know?

I got my shipment notices too. I'm not going to lie. I don't care when Ballmer ordered his, it's not getting there on April 3.

You should see the list, though: Woz -- you can always count on him. Sculley and Eisner (snickers). Bob Dylan and Joan Baez... oh, the pictures I could show you from back in the day. Eric Schmidt. As if! An entire ship of Nigerian pirates. Lil' Wayne. Can we deliver to a prison?

Jesse James, courtesy of one T. Woods with a note: "Thanks for sharing the load."

Obama got one for each of his cabinet members. He also sent one to John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, with a note: "Better luck next time."

Yes, Steven Colbert had me at the Grammys. The first day was fun, but boy, he can be insufferable.

Everyone at the Grammys wanted to hold me. Lady GaGa told me I should have see-through casing. T Pain asked if I could run Auto-Tune -- now if I could, don't you think I would have helped Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks? Adam Lambert wanted me to do body shots with him at the after party.

I know the audience couldn't see it but Pink used me as a teleprompter for "Glitter In The Air" lyrics while she was up on that Trapeze. I have to admit when she sang "have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry," I did.

I recently got caught up in the moment and let some Apple fanboys take me out to lunch. The mall food court wasn't what I had in mind. Hey, just a helpful note: Personal Hygiene guys (at least, I think they were all guys).

When Schmidt was on the Apple board, we used to have Bing running in all the conference rooms. Just to screw with him.

VeriZON. VeriZON. VeriZON.

We were working with Glenn Beck on a new book exclusive to the iBookstore. It just got too hard to interpret the caveman drawings. Some of his later drafts came in crayon.

Warning: Here are some things guaranteed to cause me to crash: Any kitten videos on YouTube, any songs from Kei$ha or Justin Bieber, and any movie with Steven Seagal.

Do you think the TSA will make people take me out to run through checkpoint x-ray machines? I just think I'll feel so... exposed. I definitely want my own bin, though.

We sometimes jokingly say HTC stands for "Has To Copy."

Kindle? It's female, for sure.

Yeah, I'd tap that.

It's true: I had Butler to the Final Four in my brackets. I was surprised by Kansas' early exit, but I would NEVER demean myself by picking the Orangemen.

I was invited to be on Dancing with the Stars. Turned it down. Had I know Pamela Anderson was going to be my partner...

I'm sending one to Sandra Bullock. That girl hasn't gotten any breaks, kinda like a Toyota Prius.

You liked the Bezos limerick? Here's another:

First there was Android and then Nexus.
Soon Schmidt, too, thought he was Jesus.
But we are Apple, we are Jobs, we're the flock.
So iPads for all! Even Sandra Bullock,
Who's had more bad breaks than a Prius.

Fritz Nelson is the editorial director for InformationWeek and the Executive Producer of TechWebTV. Fritz writes about startups and established companies alike, but likes to exploit multiple forms of media into his writing.

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