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8/5/2014
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An IT Admin Walks Into A Bar…

Got a good IT joke? Share it! We're collecting IT humor in anticipation of Seth Meyers' comedy keynote at Interop New York.

SNL alum and Late Night host Seth Meyers will perform a comedy keynote at Interop New York on October 1. Meyers’ comedy credentials—head writer at Saturday Night Live and anchor of SNL’s Weekend Update to name two—are enviable, but that doesn’t mean he gets to be the only one who tells jokes.

I’m also willing to bet that Meyers couldn’t tell a LUN from a LAN, or that Cat-5 doesn’t mean you own four other felines. So let’s help him out a little by collecting some IT humor.

I’ll get the ball rolling with a few jokes scooped up from the Internet, but if you’ve got a favorite IT or tech joke, share it with the rest of us.

**A SQL admin walks into a bar and joins two tables. (Source)

**A hot-air balloonist suddenly realizes he’s lost. The balloonist spots a person on the ground and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The person on the ground says "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the person. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The person below replies "You must work in management."

"I do," says the balloonist. "How'd you know?"

"Well," says the person, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault." (Source)

**If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0. (Source)

**Tech Support: I need you to right-click on ‘Open Desktop.’

Customer: Ok.

Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Ok. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Ok, can you tell me what you’ve done up until this point?

Customer: Sure, you told me to write “click”  and I wrote “click.” (Source)

OK, now it's your turn. Let's see if you can get over the (admittedly low) bar I've set by sharing your own jokes in the Comments section below.

Drew is formerly editor of Network Computing and currently director of content and community for Interop. View Full Bio
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ClareCM
IW Pick
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ClareCM,
User Rank: Strategist
8/6/2014 | 1:17:34 PM
ha ha
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 3:49:04 PM
Re: ha ha
Can't say I have any good IT jokes, but this is by far my favorite joke:

A travelling saleman is driving by a farm, and, of course, his car breaks down. He walks to the farmhouse for help and while he's going there he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

He gets to the farm house and the farmer helps him call a tow truck. As he's waiting, he says to the farmer, "Hey, what's up with the pig with the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, "that pig? I love that pig. It saved my life! I was caught in a fire and that pig ran into the building and dragged me out through the roaring flames!"

The salesman says, "Wow, that's amazing. Is that when the pig got hurt?"

the farmer says, "No way. When you've got a pig that amazing you don't eat him all at once."
vnewman2
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vnewman2,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 4:13:02 PM
Re: ha ha
@David. hahaha. I love a good farm joke. Here's my farm-animal-PG-rated contribution:

What do you call a cow that has just given birth?  Decaffeinated!

I'll try to think of a good IT joke. I don't know if I can top the SQL joke however - that's a good one.
Joe Stanganelli
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Joe Stanganelli,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 5:50:16 PM
Re: ha ha
@vnewman: I originally heard that joke as, well, the cow having a controversial procedure instead of actually giving birth.

My favorite farm-related joke, perhaps:

On his way to a gig, a ventriloquist's car breaks down in a rural area near a farmhouse.  He knocks on the door and asks if he can use the farmer's phone to call a tow truck.  The farmer agrees.

After the phone call, while they're waiting for the truck, the farmer shows the ventriloquist around the farm.

They're in the stables, and the farmer is showing off his prized horses.  The ventriloquist decides to have a little fun with the farmer.  He asks the horse, "Hello, Mr. Horse!  How's the farmer treat you here?"

He then throws his voice; in a high, gruff voice, the "horse" says, "Terrific!  He brushes my hair and takes me out for rides every day!"

The farmer is standing there agape.  The ventriloquist smirks as the farmer looks the horse over in surprise.

They continue the tour.  The farmer takes the ventriloquist outside to the pig pen.  Again, the ventriloquist decides to have fun with the farmer.  He goes up to the nearest pig and says, "Hello, Mr. Pig!  How's the farmer treat you here?"

Then, pulling the same stunt as before, the ventriloquist has the "pig" respond, "Terrific!  He lets me roll around in all this cool mud, and slops me every day!"

The farmer is stunned.  The ventriloquist stifles a chuckle.

The tour continues.  They venture out into the pastures, and come by some sheep grazing.  He ventriloquist goes up to one of the sheep and says, "Hello, Mr. Sheep...!"

The farmer pipes up, "THAT SHEEP'S A FILTHY LIAR!"
nomii
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nomii,
User Rank: Ninja
8/8/2014 | 10:21:46 AM
Re: ha ha
@Jastroff a really nice one but to tell you the truth these things do happen with me on many occasions as well :)
Susan_Nunziata
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Susan_Nunziata,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 5:13:20 PM
Re: ha ha
@David: Ewwwwwww!
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 3:57:45 PM
Re: ha ha
@ClareCM- That's hilarious. I actually interviewed for a job writing error messages at a major IT company that shall remain nameless. They briefly got it in their heads that friendlier error messages would be read more. 

But funny enough, before they hired someone, they decided they were crazy and didn't fill the job. Would have loved to try it. :)
jastroff
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jastroff,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 5:43:57 PM
Re: ha ha
Oh no @dave. I was a tech writer at Columbia Univ and I used to write error messages (as needed). I was headed down a strange path...
nomii
IW Pick
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nomii,
User Rank: Ninja
8/8/2014 | 10:07:57 AM
Re: ha ha
I am not sure its very much hilarious but I kinda like it

"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows."

:)
freespiritny25
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freespiritny25,
User Rank: Moderator
8/11/2014 | 3:03:27 PM
Re: ha ha
@nomii LOL- that's cute!!
Broadway0474
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Broadway0474,
User Rank: Strategist
8/12/2014 | 10:09:51 PM
Re: ha ha
@David, was the title of that help-wanted: "Wanted: Error Message Writer"? Or was the job title something innocuous like "Technical Writer IV"? I do not have a good IT joke, even though I have worked at smaller companies where their IT department was the job. 
nicky48
IW Pick
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nicky48,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 4:05:38 PM
Re: ha ha
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the Home button and I'm still at work.
Ashu001
IW Pick
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Ashu001,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 4:30:05 PM
Re: ha ha
NIcky,

Brilliant! Really Brilliant Joke!



I have to admit iPhone Fanatics won't love it one bit!!!

Here's my Joke(albleit an old One);

A PC Owner calls Customer Support telling them that his Coffee Cup Holder is Broken.

The Customer Support Exec sounds totally perplexed on the Phone and asks the Consumer-Sir,Could you please tell me what is written on the Cup Holder?

It says Play and Eject!!!

Brilliant one![That tray table was actually a DVD Drive].
Susan_Nunziata
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Susan_Nunziata,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 5:12:07 PM
Re: ha ha
@nicky48: LOL LOL, that's a classic! 
Drew Conry-Murray
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Drew Conry-Murray,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 5:31:38 PM
Re: ha ha
That one gets my vote!
jastroff
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jastroff,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 5:48:51 PM
Re: ha ha
@nicky48 - that's a good one -- Home button

 

I have an amusing anecdote --

The phone rings at a user support office in a large University c. 1984. A very very well known professor is on the other end. "My computer doesn't work! My IBMPC doesn't work! It has all my drafts on it"


Well, what's the problem, I ask.

"There is no power when I flip the ON switch."

Ok, let me ask, is it plugged in to the wall?

Pause....pause...


"Oh thanks. Never mind."

Click

 
Joe Stanganelli
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Joe Stanganelli,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 5:52:30 PM
Re: ha ha
Q: How many tech support representatives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None.  They just tell you to turn it off and on again.
glenbren
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glenbren,
User Rank: Apprentice
8/7/2014 | 6:13:50 PM
Re: ha ha
An IT professional was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The IT professional took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,   I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the IT professional took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The IT professional said, "Look I'm an IT professional. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Jeff Jerome
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Jeff Jerome,
User Rank: Ninja
8/8/2014 | 3:21:28 PM
Re: ha ha -Hungry IT needs Pizza
PizzaaaService
mejiac
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mejiac,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 4:19:44 PM
Re: ha ha
@CareCM, I literally LOL!,

I don't know that many jokes, but this is one of my favorite dilberts...enjoy

 
batye
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batye,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 4:27:59 PM
Re: ha ha
for me it will always be please juggle the power cable before asking if power is on....
nicky48
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nicky48,
User Rank: Strategist
8/9/2014 | 12:44:28 AM
Re: ha ha
If Apple made a car would it have windows?
Li Tan
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Li Tan,
User Rank: Ninja
8/9/2014 | 11:06:24 AM
Re: ha ha
Haha~ that's a funny but very meaningful question. Google already made a self-driving car, how Apple will make the similar product? What feature will it have?
vnewman2
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vnewman2,
User Rank: Ninja
8/11/2014 | 5:08:53 PM
Re: ha ha
This one is my favorite company specific one: There's a joke at Google: The meals HAVE to be free, because all those nerds with lunch money would attract too many bullies.
Susan_Nunziata
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Susan_Nunziata,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 5:14:21 PM
Re: ha ha
@ClareCM: Love it. 
Jeff Jerome
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Jeff Jerome,
User Rank: Ninja
8/8/2014 | 3:17:25 PM
Re: ha ha
Bill Gates passes away and is standing at the pearly gates.  St Peter looks and him and says Bill do you want to go to heaven or hell?  Bill says not sure can you show me a sample of both.  First he shows him heaven, it was pleasant enough the people there looked happy, nice harp music but a little bland.  Okay what about hell, so he is shown a sample of hell.  Everyone is happy looks like a big party there is dancing and singing shear joy.  At the end of samples Bill looks at St. Peter and says wow it is a no brainier I will take hell.  Snap of the fingers and there he is and it is all fire and brim stone, whaling and gnashing of teeth.  Bill looks at St. Peter and says what happened what you showed me vs. what this is is completely different.  St Peter replied, oh that version of hell was in beta, this is the full release.
freespiritny25
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freespiritny25,
User Rank: Moderator
8/11/2014 | 3:02:03 PM
Re: ha ha
@ ClareCM LOL! That's true..the writer of error messages..a sadistic task :) 
mejiac
IW Pick
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mejiac,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 4:40:09 PM
Real Conference Calls
Not necessarilly an IT Joke, but I know many of you can relate to this... enjoy

 

Funny Conference Call
Susan_Nunziata
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Susan_Nunziata,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 5:08:09 PM
Re: Real Conference Calls
@Mejiac: that is one of the funniest ever, having been on so many calls JUST LIKE THAT! Makes me laugh every time I see it. 
Susan_Nunziata
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Susan_Nunziata,
User Rank: Strategist
8/7/2014 | 5:29:13 PM
My favorite recent funny
This is not exclusive to IT but I think we can all relate:

http://theoatmeal.com/pl/minor_differences5/suit
Joe Stanganelli
IW Pick
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Joe Stanganelli,
User Rank: Ninja
8/7/2014 | 5:35:50 PM
Why did Facebook go public?
Because they couldn't figure out the privacy settings!
Technocrati
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Technocrati,
User Rank: Ninja
8/8/2014 | 12:42:56 AM
Life is Often Funnier Than Fiction

I don't really know any IT jokes, but I do have a funny happenstance that occurred not too long ago.

A friend of mine was starting his new position as tech support. They low balled him of course but he was happy to have a job  - which I can certainly understand.

So his first major assignment was to take a software inventory of the entire company.  A couple of days later, I run into him at lunch and he looked kind of worried.  So I asked him how the inventory was going, upon which he goes on to tell me that during his presentation ( in front of his new bosses ) there seemed to be a discrepancy as to the actual number employees the company had.  

My friend reported 38 computers out while the CFO thought the number to be closer to 68.

My friend was really reeling from this apparent miscount and his missed opportunity to impress, so in an effort to lighten the mood, I told him that he was actually correct, the company may have 68 employees but only 38 of them actually need computers !

I thought this was hilarious, and still do quite frankly. My friend not so much.   Don't worry he is still working there.

SaneIT
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SaneIT,
User Rank: Ninja
8/8/2014 | 7:16:35 AM
IT humor
I've got a really good UDP joke to tell you, but I don't know if you'll get it
soozyg
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soozyg,
User Rank: Ninja
8/8/2014 | 6:20:22 PM
silly joke
An old man is sitting at the bar crying. 

Bartender comes up to him, takes his drink order and asks what's wrong.

Old man says, "I just got married. She's beautiful. A much younger woman. She's so romantic and fun and we are together all the time. She cooks and cleans and takes such good care of me."

The bartender looks puzzled. "So why are you crying, sir?"

The old man replies, "I forgot where I live!"
freespiritny25
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freespiritny25,
User Rank: Moderator
8/11/2014 | 3:07:53 PM
A Guide To Modern Operating Systems LOL!

 


DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more.

Mac Finder
It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot.

AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.

IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.

SVR4
The gun isn't compatible with your foot.

Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.

Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.

HURD
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.

VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.

VMS
\FOOT\ ambiguous: supply more toes.

AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets.

Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more.

Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

MasPar
You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously.
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