Like everyone else, I followed the headlines last week at first with interest, then with amusement, then with mounting apprehension, and finally with horror.

"Gates Gives Keynote At Conference"--Microsoft founder Bill Gates delivered the keynote speech Sunday night at the Consumer Electronics Show 2007 in Las Vegas. Gates spoke extensively about his company's new operating system, Windows Vista. He seemed upset that the audience, estimated at more than 15,000, wasn't more enthusiastic about the new software, and he left the stage visibly shaken. The Consumer Electronics Show 2007 is expected to attract 140,000 attendees over four days.

"Jobs Intros iPhone"--Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs introduced his latest consumer electronics device, dubbed the iPhone, to a panting throng of 50,000 adoring fans at the opening of the company's annual Macworld Conference & Expo in San Francisco. Looking stylish and younger than his 51 years, Jobs told the audience, "Here's something Microsoft will never be able to rip off."

"Gates Grabs Mic At Vegas Show"--Microsoft founder Bill Gates gave an impassioned, and impromptu, speech at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas today, responding to what he apparently took as an insult by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who spoke yesterday at the Macworld Conference. Commandeering a microphone from Michael Dell, Gates told the Vegas audience he intended to drive to San Francisco and confront Jobs about his "lies, calumny, and slander." Gates promised a bug-free copy of Windows, "You know, the one Ballmer and I use," to everyone who would join him in the trip, along with an Xbox 360.

"Jobs Promises Free iPhones"--Apple CEO Steve Jobs stunned Macworld attendees in San Francisco on Thursday by promising each of them a copy of his newest consumer device, the iPhone. Undeterred by the fact that the iPhone is still five months away, the Apple fans agreed to Jobs' request that they stay where they are until the iPhones arrive. Jobs and his associates made arrangements to have food, clothing, and supplies brought in from local Starbucks and Abercrombie & Fitch retailers.

"Gates: 'On To San Francisco!'"--Addressing a crowd estimated at upwards of 75,000 at sunset in the parking lot of the MGM Grand hotel in Las Vegas, Microsoft founder Bill Gates told them it was time to bring the fight to "those sorry Apple bastards." Microsoft employees handed out Zune personal entertainment devices, "for the long drive ahead," but most of them were left behind.

"Jobs To Fans, 'Think Different'"--Hunkered down in San Francisco's cavernous Moscone Center with his devoted fans, Apple CEO Steve Jobs attempted to entertain the crowd of 45,000 by leading them in U2 songs. Jobs promised reinforcements from Cupertino as soon he could get through to headquarters on his iPhone, which was having problems getting a signal.

"Gates Orders Sneak Attack From Seattle"--In a surprise move, Bill Gates has ordered all Microsoft employees in the Seattle area to drive to San Francisco immediately "as a show of force."

That was three days ago. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has declared San Francisco a demilitarized zone and ordered all tourists and celebrities to stay away. There are reports of scattered fighting in Chicago, Cleveland, and Detroit, but local police have so far kept it under control.

Can't we all get along? Or at least share our industry tips? Send them to jsoat@cmp.com, or phone 516-562-5326.

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