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Art Wittmann
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Stuff That Probably Won't Happen in 2011 (But Ya Never Know)

Apple probably won't release an iCar and Oracle's unlikely to take optimization to home appliances, but our columnist won't completely rule out some offbeat technological twists.

Stewart's new show, which will debut on cable's Spike TV, features the decorating maven in low-cut HP jumpsuits offering tips on data center design and d&ecute;cor.

The show's tagline: "Efficiency simply isn't enough." Among other peripheral moves, Stewart has struck a deal with discount giant Kmart to sell HP's highest-end storage and server products. The announcement was greeted with stunned silence from the press, to which Stewart remarked, "It's a good thing." And promptly left the podium.

Citing chronic Intel envy, AMD buys Symantec. In a three-ring gala that saw the chipmaker renting out most of New Orleans, AMD chief Dirk Meyer announced that his company had pulled off the leveraged buyout of the century. With 100,000 drunken onlookers barely taking notice, Meyer and Symantec chief John Thompson announced the acquisition at the Superdome, flanked by second-string Saints linebackers to ward off hecklers humming "dumm dum dum dum DUM." "They think they're such hot shit? Well, McAfee doesn't look so great now, does it!?" said Meyer, who then proceeded to plant a two minute lip lock on Thompson.

Days after the announcement, an obviously hung over Meyer appeared defiant before reporters and released a terse statement: "As soon as Intel announces anything useful that could possibly come from its purchase of McAfee, so will we." Seconds later he projectile vomited, covering the first three rows of reporters in a toxic sludge of half-digested hurricanes, beignets, and oyster po boys.

Stock price soars as Google announces world domination. Dressed in a toga and wearing a laurel wreath, Google chief Eric Schmidt arrived at a briefing in a solid-gold chariot pulled by shirtless founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page. The docile Brin and Page stood with heads bowed as Schmidt was greeted by throngs of adoring Google employees chanting "Caesar, hail Caesar!"

Schmidt stood, arms folded, as a backlit image of J. Edgar Hoover slowly appeared behind him and then faded into his own likeness. As the crowd quieted, he stepped to the microphone and proclaimed: "It's me! It's always been me--and now I have enough dirt on every politician in the world to rule this worthless mud ball!" After the chants of "Hail Caesar" broke out again and silenced, a spokeswoman announced that the G20 leaders would be granted audiences over the next few days.

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