Job ads are often written in code. We combed Craigslist's help-wanted sections from tech hubs across the nation, consulted esteemed linguistics experts (not really), and came up with these plain-English translations of actual job descriptions.
1. COO wanted for online startup: "If you want to put some skin in the game... that would be terrific. If you know investors who might back us, that's extra brownie points for you."
Translation: Bring cash.
2. "Startup needs actress for short video. Entire shoot will take an hour if you can remember lines. We are looking for an attractive female (Victoria's Secret/Playboy look), limited acting skills required."
Translation: No one will listen to what you're saying. (Hey, it worked for GoDaddy.)
3. "No bums, druggies, or alcoholics."
Translation: HR didn't approve this ad.
[So you applied in spite of the sketchy job description. Now beware of 10 IT Job Interview Phrases To Make You Run.]
4. Company seeks "non-paid intern to manage our Search Engine Optimization (SEO) activities to help drive customers to our site... college degree preferred."
Translation: Come on, it's just SEO. Worry about your student loans later.
5. "I need someone to look through a whole bunch of b2b websites for me and write a few bullet points in plain English telling me how it is that they make money. This is not as simple as it sounds because a lot of companies' websites are so full of business-speak gibberish that you're left clueless and you need to do some research to figure it out."
Translation: None needed -- this job is exactly what the ad says. (The honesty is breathtaking.)
6. "Cable, coax technician will work for food! Not really, just kidding." Pay starts at around $15 per hour.
Translation: You won't be working for food, only peanuts. [Rimshot]
7. "We need a Data Engineer!! Holy Hadoop, Batman!"
Translation: If you're nerdy enough to get this big data joke, you may be a strong candidate.
8. "Perfect for college student."
Translation: Crappy pay.
9. "No experience necessary, no selling necessary, no buying necessary."
Translation: Really crappy pay.
10. "Flexibility to work non-traditional hours"
Translation: Kiss your nights and weekends goodbye.
11. "You can potentially earn over $50,000 per month."
Translation: But you won't.
12. "Some user support is required, so excellent communication skills and a patient, proactive temperament is a must."
Translation: Don't yell at the stupid ones.
13. Wanted: "Badass graphic designer" with "3 years' experience w/ designing cool shit." Perks include free food, Nerf battles, kittens... and a gong.
Translation: Don't trust anyone over 30.
14. Wanted: Skilled app developer who "will be paid from the profits of the app/business with a percentage stake in the company."
Translation: Until then, enjoy living out of your car.
15. "Jimi Hendrix was experienced, as you should be, too."
Translation: Without the drugs, of course.
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