5 Apple Wearables We Wanted But Didn't Get - InformationWeek

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9/11/2014
08:57 AM
Shane O'Neill
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5 Apple Wearables We Wanted But Didn't Get

The Apple Watch marks Apple's bold foray into the wearables market, but we were hoping for one more thing. Well, maybe five.

Apple Watch, Apple's first new product category in years, has created the kind of excitement that harkens back to the first iPod and iPhone devices.

While I'm the first to admit the Apple Watch is a beauty and its user interface and engineering are ingenious, I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in this gorgeous but redundant iPhone accessory. You see, I had other types of wearables in mind when Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage this week. I didn't get my way, but there's always next time.

[Apple did many things right with iPhone 6 and Apple Watch, but there's a flip side. Read Apple iPhone 6, Apple Watch: What's Missing.]

With that said, here's a list of Apple wearable devices we wanted but did not get at this week's launch.

Apple iGlasses: In addition to offering typical smartglass features like a camera, maps and GPS, and an audio recorder, the Apple iGlasses let you see, through the remarkable use of advanced virtual and augmented reality technologies, life the way Apple intends it be: a warm and sunny place where everyone's young, fit, attractive, and has money to burn. You'll never want to take these things off!

A standout feature: Through tiny vibrations resting against the temple, a warm glow envelops your entire head when you're within 500 feet of a Starbucks. And yes, you can pay for that Espresso Macchiato using Apple Pay via your iGlasses.

Apple Socks: Sensors and an accelerometer are woven into Apple's new magical and odor-resistant socks to measure steps taken, miles run, and calories burned. In addition to being a fitness wearable, Apple Socks can also be worn socially, with an emphasis on dancing. Built-in rhythm sensors rate your moves and alert your iPhone on whether you should keep groovin' or get your two left feet off the dance floor.

Apple Glove: Why have a clunky watch sitting on your wrist when you can streamline the process to fit like a glove. Now it's no longer an insult to say, "Talk to the hand!" The Apple Glove features embedded WiFi connectivity, a tiny camera in the thumb, a speaker in the pinky finger for audio recordings and Siri communication, sensors for heart rate and calorie counting, and a flexible LED screen located in the palm for FaceTime and watching movies.

But here's by far the most magical feature: When you shake the hand of a person who doesn't own Apple products, you can brainwash him or her into switching from Windows to Mac or Android to iPhone through the use of Apple's new breakthrough telepathic sensor technology.

(Said in a soothing voice while gently squeezing person's hand) "You will go now to the Apple Store and buy an iPhone 6. Yes? Yes."

iFedora: When you put on the ultra-trendy iFedora, gentle mind-altering vibrations and advanced biometrics work together to convince you that you're much hipper and cooler than you really are. Apple Pay comes with the iFedora, thus enabling you to pay for a lavish lifestyle you can't afford.

iBono: Apple doesn't just buy the rights to distribute U2's new album for free on iTunes, but it also releases the iBono, a wearable microphone headset that has a truly magical feature -- using Apple's new voice-rendering technology, when you sing through the mic you sound exactly like… Bono! You will own karaoke night.

You, too, can sing like this man with the Apple iBono wearable microphone.
You, too, can sing like this man with the Apple iBono wearable microphone.

Do you have any trailblazing ideas for a new Apple wearable device? Fire away in the comments section below.

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Shane O'Neill is Managing Editor for InformationWeek. Prior to joining InformationWeek, he served in various roles at CIO.com, most notably as assistant managing editor and senior writer covering Microsoft. He has also been an editor and writer at eWeek and TechTarget. ... View Full Bio
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David F. Carr
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David F. Carr,
User Rank: Author
9/11/2014 | 10:27:51 AM
iOS underwear
I was predicting iOS underwear, just because I like the sound of it. Not sure what it would be good for, but some folks are saying that about the Apple Watch, too.

Not that far fetched, actually - a couple of months ago we had a story about Microsoft filing a patent for a bra packed with sensors.
Shane M. O'Neill
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Shane M. O'Neill,
User Rank: Author
9/11/2014 | 10:56:58 AM
Re: iOS underwear
I like it. iBoxers for men and iPanties for women (I know women hate the word "panties" but I don't know what else to call them). iOS underwear could measure all sorts of bodily functions too inappropriate to discuss here. But you may be on to something, Dave.
David F. Carr
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David F. Carr,
User Rank: Author
9/11/2014 | 11:19:39 AM
Re: iOS underwear
Whoopty
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Whoopty,
User Rank: Ninja
9/11/2014 | 12:42:18 PM
Glucose
I was actually a bit disappointed that the rumours Apple had a working, bloodless glucose monitoring wearable weren't true. That would have made a massive impact for diabetics the world over, and potentially athletes looking to maximise insulin spikes. 
melgross
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melgross,
User Rank: Ninja
9/11/2014 | 12:43:00 PM
Huh?
At first, I thought this was a serious article, but once I began to read it I realized it was satire.
Shane M. O'Neill
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Shane M. O'Neill,
User Rank: Author
9/11/2014 | 1:02:46 PM
Re: Huh?
@melgross We're mixing in light and satirical stories with our new "IT Life" section to complement the more serious news and commentary. Everyone needs a laugh sometime.
Laurianne
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Laurianne,
User Rank: Author
9/11/2014 | 1:22:19 PM
Re: iOS underwear
I can see a sun protection shirt that warns you when you're sunburning. Or a sunhat with sunburn sensor, esp. for kids. But undergarments? No thank you :) PS Love the fedora idea, Shane.
tzubair
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tzubair,
User Rank: Ninja
9/11/2014 | 2:36:56 PM
Satire
By the time I was midway through the article, I realized it was satire. 

''Built-in rhythm sensors rate your moves and alert your iPhone on whether you should keep groovin' or get your two left feet off the dance floor.'' I groaned inwardly at this. If my partner chose to get his dancing guidelines from smart socks instead of our chemistry, It would turn me off sooner than anything. Lol. 

 

I did love the idea of smart gloves though. It would be nice to watch a movie like that.
Michael Endler
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Michael Endler,
User Rank: Author
9/11/2014 | 7:33:20 PM
Re: iOS underwear
Haha, when I saw this headline, I immediately planned to post a link to the Microsoft bra story-- but you beat me to it!
Michael Endler
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Michael Endler,
User Rank: Author
9/11/2014 | 7:36:49 PM
Re: Glucose
Ditto, Whoopty. And there were all those reports that Apple was meeting with the FDA, and collaborating with the Mayo Clinic. Makes me wonder if Apple is still working out some of the details around privacy for those more in-depth metrics. Everyone already tracks pulse, steps, etc.-- so if Apple simply offers the same metrics but with a better UI and more accuracy, I can see why Apple decided that's adequate for now. But if they don't bring on additional health measurements by generation 2 (if not by the time the first Apple Watch hits in 2015), I'll be disappointed. I've been talking up the potential for glucose-reading wearables for months, and if Apple doesn't pursue this path, we know Google has patents that circle the same idea.
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