Geekend: New Year's Resolutions For Famous Geeks - InformationWeek

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12/26/2014
08:04 AM
David Wagner
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Geekend: New Year's Resolutions For Famous Geeks

New Year's resolutions are much easier to keep if you give them to someone else.

It is the time of year when we all make resolutions we fail to keep. I'd like to make a new tradition for the Geekend. I'm going to make resolutions for other people that they have to keep. Because we all know that all the famous geeks of the world read this column, I fully expect to change the world this way.

Here are my resolution suggestions:

J.J. Abrams: Stop the Star Wars Episode VII leaks! They're not fun anymore. Also, please, resolve to eliminate any cute droids that behave more like pets than human servants. R2-D2 is enough on that front. The crazy ball droid in the trailer has to be cut out of the final version. Please. Resolve to make a movie adults don't roll their eyes about.

George R.R. Martin: You probably assume I'm going to tell him to hurry up and finish the books so they come out before the TV series catches up to the books. I've already given up on that pipe dream. Instead, I'm just going to ask him to admit it isn’t happening. Admitting the problem is half way to solving it.

Disney: Please resolve to spend whatever money it takes to reunite the Marvel Universe under your control. The X-Men, the Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man need you. Do it for us. Save us from this:

And then please cast Daniel Radcliffe to play Peter Parker and Emma Watson as whatever love interest you choose to use for the reboot. Not even because I think they’re great actors (they’re fine) but because we can finally undo J.K. Rowling's biggest mistake by seeing them together on the screen.

Marvel Comics: You killed my favorite character, Wolverine. Please, when you bring him back (all dead super heroes come back), please resolve to make this the plot of how he returns. The virus that caused healing factor to stop working actually only slowed it down. Upon his "death" the virus died and the healing factor began to work on repairing Wolverine's body. Eventually the healing factor succeeds and Wolverine wakes to find himself entombed. Unable to die, but stuck 6 feet under, Wolverine has to slowly force his way out using his claws and enhanced strength. The process takes many agonizing months and triggers Wolverine's animal side. He emerges from the earth insane and spends months hunting animals to survive.

Eventually, he runs into people. A string of strange murders start to draw the attention of some minor Marvel characters until finally they put it on the X-Men radar. Once they do, the X-men must fight Wolverine at the same time they try to restore his sanity. Tell me that wouldn't make a great comeback

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Don't sing.

But please dance more.

Ashton Kutcher: You're a dad and a tech entrepreneur. Resolve to spend some time making the world's first useful parenting app. Like a smart phone app that can prevent SIDS or something

Peter Jackson: Stop making Tolkien movies. I know someone is going to offer you a billion dollars to make a 20 part series out of the Silmarillion or something. Resist the urge. This is enough.

Sugar Association President Andrew Briscoe: Please resolve to stop saying too much sugar doesn't cause diabetes. We eat plenty of sugar. You don't have to make us sick to get us to eat more. Try making Halloween a month long festival instead.

Benedict Cumberbatch: Just please resolve to never stop taking so many great chances. And please, find a way to get into the Star Wars movies.

Stephen Colbert: Please resolve to make your opening number of your first show taking over for Letterman bigger than the finale of the Colbert Report.

That'll do it for 2014. Which celebrity did I miss? What resolutions would you have them make? And what is your resolution this year? Tell me in the comments.

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David has been writing on business and technology for over 10 years and was most recently Managing Editor at Enterpriseefficiency.com. Before that he was an Assistant Editor at MIT Sloan Management Review, where he covered a wide range of business topics including IT, ... View Full Bio
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David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
12/30/2014 | 3:43:18 PM
Re: Addendum
@GaProgrammer- Well, presumably someone wrote that for him. That's the guy who is the star. 
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
12/29/2014 | 12:20:25 PM
Re: For movie producters
Also, you know what is worse than watching a bloated movie book adaptation? Having an argument after a movie with a huge fan while they're saying, "but they took out my favorite part! That obscure three page section where they quirky character gives advice to the lead!" At least with the bloated movies all of those sections ar ein so I don't have to hear about it. 
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
12/29/2014 | 12:18:31 PM
Re: For movie producters
@kstaron- I don't know. i like the multiple movies from one book concept. I just don't like th ebooks they're using it on. I think Lord of the Rings held up nicely (despite my hatred of all things hobbit), but that a movie like Hunger Games or the Hobbit that are aimed at a younger audience don't have enough depth to handle the bloat. 

You just have to pick your spots. But as long as we keep buying tickets for bad movies, they'll keep doing it. 
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
12/29/2014 | 12:16:08 PM
Re: Addendum
@Gary_El- True, and I don't think Tyson is trying to as much as he's trying to keep Sagan's legacy alive given all that Sagan did for Tyson.
David Wagner
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David Wagner,
User Rank: Strategist
12/29/2014 | 12:15:18 PM
Re: Addendum
@asksqn- Agree 100% on Bill Nye. He's just a weird guy who did experiments from a book on TV.

Gotta say Tyson is not quite the same. While I agree there are significantly better scientists out there he is very good at explaining science he actually understands to folks. It doesn't always happen that the best scientist in the world is also the best at explaining science to the world. Tyson, despite his flaws (he's snarky and sometims mean and he has his biases), is the best in the world right now at explaining very complicated things to the rest of us.
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