New Devices To Target Gluttony, Stupidity, Privacy

Hot on the heels of Amazon’s “buy stuff from Amazon” phone, a flood of mobile devices are slated to come to market between now and Christmas 2014.

Taking a cue from the online retailer, these devices strip away any pretense that you, the user, are anything but a glob of data and money to be extracted from as mercilessly as an Angolan diamond mine.

Here’s a sneak peek of what’s coming to your favorite gadget retailer in time for the Christmas holidays.

MouthWad

The MouthWad phablet is a joint venture of packaged snack food giants and a corn syrup conglomerate. When a user touches the large green “Me Want Eat Now” button, a pop-up menu provides a list of snack foods that can be ordered with a tap of the finger or voice command.

Users can also play ‘Snack Roulette’ and allow an algorithm to choose a snack at random.

MouthWad’s most compelling innovation isn’t in the device, but in the massive, real-time delivery infrastructure that’s been built to service user requests. A complex web of supply depots, truck fleets, bike couriers, and UAVs will ensure snack delivery in under five minutes in suburban areas, and within 120 seconds in Manhattan, San Francisco, Boston, and Chicago.

The device also includes a polymer coating that lets users lick off ice cream, nacho cheese dust, and other food substances without damaging the internal workings of the machine.

Pocket Casino

Using an Android variant developed by the Nevada Gaming Commission, this smartphone brings the thrill of Vegas gambling to the palm of your hand.

Simply slide your credit card through the built-in reader, or set up a secure connection to a checking or savings account, and then put the phone down and walk away. Pocket Casino powers down automatically when all your money is gone.

NSA Patriot

It’s not really a device per se. It’s more like a ubiquitous surveillance infrastructure that knows who you are, where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re saying or typing or reading. The cost is classified, but the good news is that it’s already shipped. In fact, you’re using it right now.