Federal Data Breach: 10 Things We Wish Were Hacked Instead

Breaches will happen. But why attack regular people? Isn't there more interesting data to breach?

David Wagner, Executive Editor, Community & IT Life

June 7, 2015

3 Min Read
<p align="left">(Image: <a href="http://situationroom.blogs.cnn.com/2013/09/03/pres-obama-puts-his-foot-on-his-desk/" target="_blank">White House</a> via CNN)</p>

Get A Raise: 11 Do's And Don'ts For IT Pros

Get A Raise: 11 Do's And Don'ts For IT Pros

Get A Raise: 11 Do's And Don'ts For IT Pros (Click image for larger view and slideshow.)

One of the worst security breaches of all time was revealed last week by the Federal Office of Personnel Management. The records of 4 million federal workers were exposed. These records can be used for spear phishing, identity theft, and potentially more frightening attacks on the US.

My reaction, of course, was one of horror. Then it became one of humor, because that's how I cope.

You can't help but think the hackers started stealing the wrong stuff. Why pick on the poor people who work for the government? Most of them are trying to earn a living and maybe help some people. Now, those people have to worry about their credit and whether they accidentally give up a password that leads to someone getting the missile codes. This is not cool.

[ For more information on the actual breach, read Breach Exposes 4 Million Federal Employees' Personal Info. ]

There's so much better stuff to have taken if the hackers had thought about it for second.

Federal Breach: Data We Wish Were Hacked Instead

10. Barrack Obama's real golf handicap. Supposedly, it is 18. Look at this swing and tell me if that looks like an 18 handicap to you. (Mild adult language warning)

Mr. President, don't rise up so much and the ball will go farther than your phone.

9. The Oval Office security videos of Secret Service Agents sitting at the President's desk with their feet up smoking a cigar. You know they do it when he's not around.

8. My IRS records. Just delete those, China. Please.

7. Your IRS Records. You know, while they're helping me out…

6. Michelle Obama's secret junk food bill. I'm betting she sneaks Twinkies when we aren't looking. No one is that perfect.

5. A final record of what happened to all those "W's." As many might remember, when the Clinton administration vacated the White House, they played a little prank on the incoming administration by removing the "W" keys from all the keyboards in "honor" of incoming President George W. Bush. After stories blew up (and blew over), we still don't know what happened to all those W's. It is possible they were turned into a portrait of Steve Jobs.


4. NSA logs. Frankly, I'd love to know if they actually stop doing what they say they're going to stop doing.

3. What's really in Area 51. Is it aliens? Please tell me it's aliens.

2. Joe Biden's Spotify playlist for workouts. You know it has to be epic.

1. The bill for White House Ghostbusters calls. Many people through the years, including Teddy Roosevelt and Margaret Truman, claim to have seen Abraham Lincoln's ghost in the White House. The best story is that of Winston Churchill, who claimed that as he climbed out of a bathtub and into his bedroom to get dressed he saw Lincoln standing by the fireplace. Churchill claimed to have said, "Good evening, Mr. President. You have me at a disadvantage." With that, Chruchill claimed the ghost laughed and left. Recent reports of the Lincoln Ghost are few and far between. I assume Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd rid the White House of its problem.

So, if you had hacked the US Federal Government's network, what data would you have taken? Tell us in the comments section below.

About the Author(s)

David Wagner

Executive Editor, Community & IT Life

David has been writing on business and technology for over 10 years and was most recently Managing Editor at Enterpriseefficiency.com. Before that he was an Assistant Editor at MIT Sloan Management Review, where he covered a wide range of business topics including IT, leadership, and innovation. He has also been a freelance writer for many top consulting firms and academics in the business and technology sectors. Born in Silver Spring, Md., he grew up doodling on the back of used punch cards from the data center his father ran for over 25 years. In his spare time, he loses golf balls (and occasionally puts one in a hole), posts too often on Facebook, and teaches his two kids to take the zombie apocalypse just a little too seriously. 

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