Cubicle Sins: 10 Coworkers Who Drive You Crazy
We've all dealt with, um, "interesting" workplace personalities, and to know them is not necessarily to love them. Check out 10 of the worst office offenders.
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Oh, the humanity
We'd all be tremendous team players if it weren't for our coworkers.
That's one of the things about work: We inevitably find ourselves shoulder-to-shoulder with a cast of characters we might not otherwise encounter elsewhere in our lives. That's usually -- emphasis on usually -- a wonderful thing. We get the chance to meet and learn from new people and develop relationships that last long after we stop working together. When we discuss the importance of professional experience, we tend to forget how much of that experience is created by other people. Even people who initially rub us the wrong way can become great allies, partners, and friends.
But this is the real world, and it's populated by real human beings -- and not a one of them is perfect. We've all encountered coworkers that we could do without. They're not necessarily "bad" people -- they might be real sweethearts, even, and it's just as likely that it's a "me" problem as it is a "them" problem. Still, these coworkers drive us bonkers with their strange habits, idiosyncrasies, and apparent lack of even a modicum of self-awareness.
We covered one strain of this phenomenon recently with our cardinal sins of workplace fashion. As more than one reader pointed out, though, appearance and attire choices aren't the only way to offend in the office. No, there are many, many methods for annoying, exasperating, and aggrieving, and some people seem to have quite a knack for it. And they probably don't even realize they're doing it -- or they do, and they simply don't care.
No matter, that's what we're here for -- to shine the bright, harsh light of truth on the personalities, tics, tendencies, and behaviors we'd like banished from the modern work environment. Maybe you'll see a familiar face or two in the crowd here; maybe you'll see one in the mirror. That's okay -- we've all got things we can work on. Stop flossing your teeth at your desk, for instance -- that'd be a huge leap forward for you and for your coworkers. That's not what the dentist meant when she said you needed to take better care of your pearly whites. No, the conference room isn't your personal "command center" -- and, yes, we have it booked for a meeting right now. And, please, understand there's a difference between eating lunch at your desk and auditioning for an upcoming episode of Chopped.
Workplace quirks can be particularly rough for those who work in cubicles or open offices. They rarely come with doors and the "walls" are more like low-slung fences. Sound travels easily, from one neighbor's music ("This isn't bothering you, right?") to another's incessant personal calls ("I love you, schmoopie. No, you're schmoopie!"). Smells do, too -- smelly people, smelly food, you name it. Sure, it's your desk -- but it's our office, and most of us would prefer it not reek.
IT professionals might suffer more than most from coworker peccadilloes. Not only does IT endure all the ordinary oddities and nuisances, but it gets to play the role of de facto tech support for those oddities and nuisances, too. Because everyone who works under the big banner of IT is a walking helpdesk, right? Oh sure, these data visualizations I'm working on for the executive team can wait while I troubleshoot your family's Xbox.
Read on for our All-Star Team of Annoying Coworkers. It's a 10-person lineup and, to be honest, we could have kept going. People provide great fodder. We'd rather hear from you, though: Which office types drive you batty? Surely, we missed some workplace irritants here. Tell us about them in the comments.
(Image: Doug Waldron)
The Microwave Chef
I bet that salmon and asparagus was delicious -- when you made it for dinner two nights ago. But you just nuked the leftovers in the breakroom and nuked our noses in the process. That's great, because nothing sparks technical innovation and collaboration like fumes of microwaved fish. And hey, feel free to leave your dirty dishes and Tupperware containers bathing in the breakroom sink for the rest of the day. No one will mind. What's on the menu tomorrow, Chef? Egg salad?
(Image: tracey r )
The IT Mooch
Oh, hey. You're in IT, right? My phone's been acting weird. Can you take a look? Yeah, I just opened this email attachment to try to figure out who sent it to me and everything's been acting a little weird since. Bet that's an easy fix for you, being in IT and all. Oh, by the way -- my girlfriend can't seem to get Spotify to work on her iPad. Could you take a look?
(Image: Lindsay Wilson)
The Cologne/Perfume Bather
Are you a systems administrator or a Chanel product tester? We could smell you while you were still parking your car in the garage. Hey, a touch of cologne or perfume isn't a bad thing, per se -- and it certainly beats coming to work sporting the fragrance of the unshowered. But a little dab will do, dear colleague. You smell like you soaked in a bathtub of the stuff.
(A virtual salute here to reader "mwalle," who commented on our IT Dress Code piece to suggest that we'd missed cologne and perfume bathers: "I could probably handle an assault on the eyes ... but an assault on the nose is something altogether different.")
(Image: Benjamin Watson)
The Paranoid Neurotic
Were you just looking at my screen? That's my code. What do you want? Do you need something? (Peeks through window blinds.) OK, I have to log in first. Can you turn around, please? I don't want you logging my keystrokes, that's why. Wait, are you wearing Google Glass?
(Image: Jason Rogers)
The Hacking Cougher
Sick days and paid time off exist for a reason, friends. If you sound like you've smoked three packs of unfiltered cigarettes a day for the past 30 years, here's a wild idea: Stay home. Yeah, you're an important member of the team, but the rest of us are going broke on earplugs and hand sanitizer. We're pretty sure the office is now on a CDC watchlist.
(Image: Jenny Downing)
The Personal Caller
Hey, you. I know you. I really know you: I know all about your private healthcare matters, your cat's depression, your kid's preternatural skills on the trombone, that dynamite tapas place you can't wait to try, more of your private health issues, your off-the-cuff political opinions, your grocery shopping list. Do you know why I know this? Because the "wall" that separates our cubicles stops two inches above our seated heads, and you spend three hours a day on the phone with friends, family, doctors, psychics, dog-walkers, and apparently everyone else you know.
(Image: Jo Naylor)
The Rain Cloud
Remember Debbie Downer? Every office has one, male or female: that colleague who effortlessly bums the heck out of everyone every time they speak. You're plugging along, knocking out your to-do list with a pep in your step and -- voila -- The Rain Cloud stops by, hovering near your desk to say hi, and to ask if you've heard about the latest virulent strain of influenza that's been popping up all over the map.
(Image: Amy Guth)
The Whiner
We're all entitled to a bad day every now and again. Sometimes griping about it is good therapy, provided it's done at the right time, in the right place, with the right people -- like after work, during happy hour with trusted friends. But for The Whiner, also known as The Complainer, the right time, place, and people are whenever, wherever, and whomever. Oh, the tragedy that is the latte that wasn't foamed perfectly to your specifications! (You were so detailed with your order, too!) How dare that business unit offer constructive feedback on the application you're building for them to use every day. And that boss of yours -- can you believe that she wants you to, um, do your job? You poor thing.
(Image: Justinc)
The Consultant
You know The Consultant: the IT pro running a clandestine side business out of his cubicle on company time, and not doing such a great job with the "clandestine" part. He might as well hang an "Open For Business" sign outside his cubicle or office door.
In fact, much like the Personal Caller, The Consultant doesn't mind conducting his business -- and it's very much his business, not company business -- at top volume. Whether working on a startup or a computer fix-it business or a mobile app development shop, The Consultant's always hard at work, just not on any of the projects the rest of the IT team is slogging away on. It's called moonlighting for a reason -- you're not supposed to do it at your day job.
(Image: Flik)
The Oh-So-Busy Bee
It's 2014. Everyone's always connected, and everyone's got plenty on their plate. And some colleagues like to share with us -- daily, hourly, minute-by-minute -- just how busy they are. The quiet implication is, of course, is that you yourself are not busy -- you're practically on vacation compared with their superhero workload. Yet there's a funny pattern with The Oh-So-Busy Bees: It's hard to find them actually getting anything done. They're too busy talking about, well, just how darn busy they are.
"Wow, I'm swamped. I've got, like, 1,200 unread emails in my inbox. I'm triple-booked. I'd love to help but I'm just totally slammed right now. I've got like 18 deadlines tomorrow. I was here until, like, midnight last night. I'm basically doing three people's jobs right now. Would you mind just taking care of it? Can you give this to someone else? Anyway, I'm going out for coffee -- going to need some caffeine to get through all this work. Back in a half hour."
(Image: Flik)
The Oh-So-Busy Bee
It's 2014. Everyone's always connected, and everyone's got plenty on their plate. And some colleagues like to share with us -- daily, hourly, minute-by-minute -- just how busy they are. The quiet implication is, of course, is that you yourself are not busy -- you're practically on vacation compared with their superhero workload. Yet there's a funny pattern with The Oh-So-Busy Bees: It's hard to find them actually getting anything done. They're too busy talking about, well, just how darn busy they are.
"Wow, I'm swamped. I've got, like, 1,200 unread emails in my inbox. I'm triple-booked. I'd love to help but I'm just totally slammed right now. I've got like 18 deadlines tomorrow. I was here until, like, midnight last night. I'm basically doing three people's jobs right now. Would you mind just taking care of it? Can you give this to someone else? Anyway, I'm going out for coffee -- going to need some caffeine to get through all this work. Back in a half hour."
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