15 Tech Job Descriptions, Translated

IT Job Interviews 101: What Not To Wear

Job ads are often written in code. We combed Craigslist's help-wanted sections from tech hubs across the nation, consulted esteemed linguistics experts (not really), and came up with these plain-English translations of actual job descriptions.

1. COO wanted for online startup: "If you want to put some skin in the game... that would be terrific. If you know investors who might back us, that's extra brownie points for you."

Translation: Bring cash.

2. "Startup needs actress for short video. Entire shoot will take an hour if you can remember lines. We are looking for an attractive female (Victoria's Secret/Playboy look), limited acting skills required."

Translation: No one will listen to what you're saying. (Hey, it worked for GoDaddy.)

3. "No bums, druggies, or alcoholics."

Translation: HR didn't approve this ad.

[So you applied in spite of the sketchy job description. Now beware of 10 IT Job Interview Phrases To Make You Run.]

4. Company seeks "non-paid intern to manage our Search Engine Optimization (SEO) activities to help drive customers to our site... college degree preferred."

Translation: Come on, it's just SEO. Worry about your student loans later.

5. "I need someone to look through a whole bunch of b2b websites for me and write a few bullet points in plain English telling me how it is that they make money. This is not as simple as it sounds because a lot of companies' websites are so full of business-speak gibberish that you're left clueless and you need to do some research to figure it out."

Translation: None needed -- this job is exactly what the ad says. (The honesty is breathtaking.)

6. "Cable, coax technician will work for food! Not really, just kidding." Pay starts at around $15 per hour.

Translation: You won't be working for food, only peanuts. [Rimshot]

7. "We need a Data Engineer!! Holy Hadoop, Batman!"

Translation: If you're nerdy enough to get this big data joke, you may be a strong candidate.

8. "Perfect for college student."

Translation: Crappy pay.

9. "No experience necessary, no selling necessary, no buying necessary."

Translation: Really crappy pay.

10. "Flexibility to work non-traditional hours"

Translation: Kiss your nights and weekends goodbye.

11. "You can potentially earn over $50,000 per month."

Translation: But you won't.

12. "Some user support is required, so excellent communication skills and a patient, proactive temperament is a must."

Translation: Don't yell at the stupid ones.

13. Wanted: "Badass graphic designer" with "3 years' experience w/ designing cool shit." Perks include free food, Nerf battles, kittens... and a gong.

Translation: Don't trust anyone over 30.

14. Wanted: Skilled app developer who "will be paid from the profits of the app/business with a percentage stake in the company."

Translation: Until then, enjoy living out of your car.

15. "Jimi Hendrix was experienced, as you should be, too."

Translation: Without the drugs, of course.

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