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9 Tech Companies As Ben & Jerry's Flavors
Get ready for Amazon Rainforest Crunch and IBM Big Blueberry Bonanza.
October 15, 2014
4 Min Read
offered discoverability to websites, and made the price -- privacy -- seem inconsequential. Oh, and (much to the dismay of Oracle) it co-opted Java to create Android, the most popular operating system in the world.
Googly-Eyed Caffeinated Crunch
A curious combination of Java-style coffee ice cream, strands of cotton candy, chocolate bits, marshmallow clouds, cashews or hazelnuts, and sugar contact lenses -- for extra crunch. You're guaranteed to like some of it, some of the time, and we'll know it when you do.
IBM, like its peers in the enterprise market, has struggled as cloud computing has taken off. It sold its Intel server business to Lenovo and has been buying its way into cloud services with acquisitions like SoftLayer. Its recent deal with Apple could help it gain a seat at the table in the mobile, cloudy new world order, if its enterprise mobile apps and associated services turn out to meet actual business needs.
Big Blueberry Bonanza
Handcrafted premium blueberry ice cream swirled with Vanilla Denial, By Apple, in a charming legacy wooden container. Ice cream installation support available upon request. Price list requires nondisclosure agreement.
Microsoft has been trying to get back in the mobile market after former CEO Steve Ballmer woke up to find the world had changed. New CEO Satya Nadella has set about trying to turn the Microsoft aircraft carrier and appears to be making unspectacular progress. His recent observation that women should trust in karma for salary increases didn't help convince anyone that Microsoft is operating in the same millenium as its competition.
Our hinged wafers and half-baked gaffes, suspended in heat-stressed Neapolitan ice cream from a few years ago, satisfy millions. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. For best results, ask for a salary freeze to improve consistency. Ice cream buyers may be entitled to receive a discount on our Office software and Windows operating system. Call for pricing.
Oracle has been criticized for failing to get the cloud -- something the company heartily denies. Known for its aggressiveness, it remains an enterprise powerhouse, despite some problematic contracts recently, like Oregon's failed heathcare exchange website. The company recalls an aging pugilist, but every so often it lands a punch, as it did with TomorrowNow and its Android appeal.
Pythian Clotted Cloud
Made of premium "unbreakable" meringue, Pythian Clotted Cloud looks white and fluffy, but it's something else entirely. We're not quite sure what's in it, but you may recognize the distinct taste of Java. It's rock-solid, expensive, and very filling. Also available with a maintenance contract to keep your fillings intact.
Samsung has spent years denying that it copied the iPhone, despite the findings in Apple's long-running litigation against the company. The two companies, weary of their mutual lawyer-enrichment programs, dropped their non-US patent cases against one another over the summer. There's a lot more to Samsung than smartphones, but that's what gets the most attention these days.
Korean Snapple Cream
Made from vanilla substitute and sweetened with Snapple and other stuff we found lying around, Samsung's delicious frozen concoction is both familiar and comforting. For a limited time, Samsung Dairy Products is offering a certificate for Tizen, whatever that is.
At least Yahoo is still here. After years of visionless leadership, the company found a competent manager in CEO Marissa Mayer. But apart from Flickr, Tumblr, and Yahoo Mail, it's not really clear what Yahoo offers beyond a tabloid-quality homepage. Yahoo hasn't generated a compelling product internally for years. Lately, the company has been coasting off the draft created by its investment in the Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba.
Yahoo! Yoo-Hoo! Delight!
We take bland chocolatey ice cream -- less than 2% cocoa, guaranteed -- and swirl it with diluted marshmallow paste, celebrity-shaped crackers, exclamation points, and air bubbles for extra lightness. Yahoo! Yoo-Hoo! Delight! has almost no calories or substantive content, but it's full of emphasis.
We could go on, but brevity is kin to courtesy. So now it's your turn. Are there any companies that you'd like to see immortalized with a Ben & Jerry's flavor? Let us know.
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About the Author(s)
Editor at Large, Enterprise Mobility
Thomas Claburn has been writing about business and technology since 1996, for publications such as New Architect, PC Computing, InformationWeek, Salon, Wired, and Ziff Davis Smart Business. Before that, he worked in film and television, having earned a not particularly useful master's degree in film production. He wrote the original treatment for 3DO's Killing Time, a short story that appeared in On Spec, and the screenplay for an independent film called The Hanged Man, which he would later direct. He's the author of a science fiction novel, Reflecting Fires, and a sadly neglected blog, Lot 49. His iPhone game, Blocfall, is available through the iTunes App Store. His wife is a talented jazz singer; he does not sing, which is for the best.
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