Apple Watch Alternatives: 10 Gadgets The Company Should Have Made
With great cash comes great responsibility. Where is the big idea? Where is the game changer? Instead of an Apple Watch, here are some other gadgets we'd like to see from Cupertino.
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Yay, the Apple watch is here. Now we can tell what time it is without looking at the phone, which is typically in our hands, six inches from our Apple Watch. If you want to be excited, go for it. Never let it be said that IT Life would tell you how to think (well, we might, but we don't expect you to listen). But for me, the Apple Watch is, at best, a really expensive fitness band and, at worst, a really ugly and expensive watch you have to replace every two years to keep getting the benefit out of it.
If you need to pay hundreds of dollars for a fitness band that also tells you that you've got a text, go for it. But honestly, isn't Apple better than this?
Apple basically made the personal computer. They remade the way we listen to music. They remade the way we access the world through a handheld computer. And now, the best they can do is charge us an arm and a leg for a watch with a screen too tiny to do anything except use fitness apps and get text alerts. This certainly isn't going to change the way we look at time, or watches, or even smartphones. It is a cute accessory with the price tag of a game-changing lifestyle addition.
Apple is the richest company in the world, turning in the biggest profits we've seen in its history. Apple has more than $155 billion in cash reserves. It could invest its cash in a Christmas Club and pay its employees without ever having to sell a single thing ever again.
With great cash comes great responsibility. Where is the big idea? Where is the game changer? When will they tap into the war chest and come up with something actually worthy of their legacy? We've got 10 ideas for them that might be a little more worthy (or at least more interesting) than the Apple Watch.
This was the big Apple rumor, wasn't it? Where is it? An elegant, re-imagined car for the 21st century, with the look and lines of the iPhone, would be worthy of an Apple legacy. Plus, it would just rock. Instead, Apple announced it was making a deal to run "infotainment" centers for 40 car models next year. Yawn. You know what I think of when I hear infotainment? The cartoons about sexually transmitted diseases they used to show us in high school biology class.
If you're going to do a wearable, make it useful. We all know Google Glass was the right idea but totally creepy. Apple would have made it entirely not creepy. The company's designers would have made glasses that look like Will Smith's Ray Bans in Men in Black. Hipsters would have shaved their ironic mustaches so people would stopped looking at their handlebars or French Forks, and look at the Apple Goggles instead. What's the difference if I'm wearing something if I still have to look down at it? Oh, instead of looking at my hand, I'm looking at my wrist. Genius! Glasses mean you don't have to look anywhere. Information is in your face.
What if Apple bought Pixar instead of Disney? You'd have iToons. Tell me you wouldn't go out and watch the first movie brought to you by an Apple animation studio. Tell me that wouldn't make sense as an exclusive offering on Apple TV. Tell me you wouldn't have minded if they spelled the iNcredibles with a little "i."
Isn't it time Apple took control of the mess around the making of its products? Shouldn't the suicide nets come down? The workers who make the Apple Watch have been described as slaves or indentured servants. Even if you find those reports to be a bit hyperbolic, Apple has a $155 billion war chest. The new Tesla gigafactory, one of the most sophisticated factories in the world, is costing $5 billion to build in Nevada. Apple could find that much cash under the cushions in the couches of its Cupertino, Calif., break room. Then we could all feel better about buying its products (even if we paid a little more). And the company could feel a bit better about making them. If it doesn't want to start over, Apple could buy the companies that make iPhone parts and change the conditions. There is no excuse for this. This isn't funny.
We all need something to camp out in when we wait in line for the next Apple product. Here's the Apple Tent. Using a special new fabric, it allows access to iPhone apps on the canvas of the tent wall. Hooked to iTunes, it will play your favorite movies right on the wall of the tent. A special app tells you how many people are in line in front of you, how many years it will take to pay off the debt you incur by buying an Apple product, and how close the nearest Samsung store, in case you realize you aren't cool enough to own an iPhone.
Hey, if Apple was going to make a watch, why not a Swatch? Remember those from the 1980s? All the cool kids wore three at once, with one facing away from the other two. How Apple missed the chance to sell three overpriced watches to hipsters, instead of one, I'll never know. And Otterbox could make iSwatch guards, too.
If we can't cure cancer, maybe we could clone people instead. That's the next best thing. I suggest starting with Steve Jobs, so he can come back and fix the Apple Watch.
When you think about it, an apple is really over-engineered. There is a stem with only one purpose When it fulfills that, it just hangs out there. The seeds and core get in the way of eating the whole thing. The shape is pretty nice, but the color variety is blah. If ever something cried out for a bit of Apple design experience, it is the common, everyday apple. What if the apple were thinner, so it fit more easily in the hand, and was easier to eat? What if they cost $12, each?
What do you think? Are you buying an Apple Watch? Are any of these ideas better than a watch? What would you work on, if you were Tim Cook? Can Apple cure cancer, bring Steve Jobs back from the dead, or at least make a product we can all feel good about buying? Tell me all about it in the comments section.
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